Letter

Sometimes I like to think people read my posts. I like to imagine that when I leave a room someone wonders why. Tonight I sort of realised that a lot of the feelings I had been feeling lately were really only ever in my head.

It's hard, I feel a lump in my throat, I don't feel ready... but I sort of know this time was coming, that I'd have to stop carrying on like this.

Not even "have to" by choice. It's more a physical change. I don't know the next step, I feel like you've gone away. I know we can swear 'til the cows come home that we were never close. But I knew you. I think you knew me a little as well. Which was amazing. You knew me. No-one ever knows me. I say I'm fine, people say alright. You asked if I were lying. You were cold but I knew you hid behind that. Like I do. You cared. You would try to hurt me but would let me know in the subtlest ways that you didn't mean it. I did the same to you. I want you to feel love and happiness and to know I cared and (I swear) that I understood. But we were afraid, hells bells, we were terrified, that we were just imagining it. What if one of us were to deny it all. I suppose we understood each other but we never voiced it in black and white so we could never be sure, we could never trust each other completely. Anyway, I know that you cared. You were just afraid, like me.

I don't know if you do anymore.... Maybe we are still going. Maybe even this, this what I am feeling and writing now, maybe THIS is part of it. I am enjoying feeling this. Maybe. I didn't when I first began typing. But now I'm hoping that it's still happening. Maybe you think of me like I think of you.

Or maybe I had imagined everything.

Come to think of it, you were braver than I ever was. You took chances on me, and I appreciate that. I'm so sorry I never responded the way we both hoped I would. I didn't know how to act any different.

But just so you know, should you ever come across this.